Mr. Vice President: You've never served in the military while Senator John McCain had a distinguished military career. How can you support torture while an expert like Senator McCain is against it?
—Patricia Wilson, Denver

As you probably know, Senator McCain was tortured by the Vietnamese commies for five years. So you can pretty well be sure his brain is fucked. I'm not saying McCain is a bad person, only that his mind is addled.

Realistically, do you ask someone who's sitting in an electric chair if he favors the death penalty? Of course not. You leave a decision like this to experts — people who are familiar with the deterrence value of the death penalty.

Do you ask pacifist, pinko, liberal Democrats if the time is right to invade Iraq? No. You leave this kind of decision up to the people who have the intelligence, who know about WMDs and nuclear bomb stashes.

Don't get me wrong. I don't believe every suspect should be tortured just as a matter of routine. There has to be some overwhelming factor involved, for instance, dark skin or a funny foreign accent.

Mr. Vice President: How is it that your daughter Mary became a lesbian despite the fact that you and your wife are Christian Republicans in good standing?
—Brenda Barbet, Port Charlotte

The short answer is, shit happens.

Lynn and I know for a fact that we did not drive our daughter into the hairy arms of lesbianism. Out in Wyoming, Mary had numerous opportunities to become attracted to real men — cowboys and ranch hands and guys who drive pick-ups and shoot animals. Real American men.

For the longest time, we never suspected anything was untowards with Mary although in retrospect, we should have considered a denim prom dress as kind of hinky.

I'd like to say that despite the fact that Mary is a lesbian, I'm proud of her. I'd like to say it but I can't say it. I'm not proud of her in any way except for the fact that she's had better looking girlfriends than I ever had.

So I don't know why Mary chose to be lesbian. All I know is that she'll never have a husband who compares to her dear old dad.

Since George Bush cannot run for the presidency again, would you consider a run to become president?
—H. Seanity

Do you have any fucking idea how much it has cost me personally to be vice president? As President of Halliburton, I was good for $15 million a year, easy. As vice president, I'm barely raking in $5 million. Another four or eight years of public service and I'll be fucking bankrupt.


Were you aware of what Scooter Libby was up to with the so-called "Plamegate" affair?
—Bob Reilly

Absolutely not. All I told Scooter was burn those fucking bastards who are trying to bring down this administration. But I gave him total discretion. I told him that I don't need to know the details. I told him that I trust him. So I was completely out of the loop. No one's turning me into Spiro Agnew.


Are you as religious as President Bush?
—Camilla Coulter

I've got as much Jesus running through my veins as the next Christian. I attend church regularly, although not frequently. I figure if God wanted a little bit more loyalty from me, he wouldn't have fucking given me five fucking heart attacks!!! Despite the goddamned heart attacks, I continue to love God, his son Jesus and his girlfriend, Mary.